June 17, 2025
Got a very sweet batch of strawberries. This is rare for me. I convince myself it’s because today will be good. Either that or they’re in season again. The stone fruit are also back in season. I should go to the farmers market. The peaches at the grocery store aren’t as good yet.
June 15, 2025
Names back home trace your patrilineage. My dad’s name is Osama. That makes it my middle name. Nadia Osama. I love that I share that with him. He used to sing "Daddy Cool" by Boney M a lot when my brother and I were kids. He found my apartment for me when I moved to New York for law school, walking alone for days while I was at orientation. So much so that his nice shoes were falling apart. They gave him blisters. He went to a store that day to buy new running shoes and tossed the old ones in the trash.
June 12, 2025
Marina and I make plans to go to the beach. She calls me. I invited Dylan too I hope that’s okay. Dylan and I haven't seen much of each other in the last couple of months. Life gets that way sometimes. Driving through the suburbs and smelling the ocean makes me miss LA. I tell everyone I'll be there week after next but really I haven't booked my flight. I think about taking mushrooms to find myself but every time I do all I find is that nothing really matters much anyway.
We start heading back around 7. I sit in the backseat. Cole plays “Like A Rolling Stone” and we sing along to the chorus.
About halfway through the drive now. I tap Dylan on the shoulder to pass her the joint. She's sleeping. Not a real sleep but the half sleep that happens after a long day in the sun. I hope she feels at peace.
June 11, 2025
Had breakfast then the day just passed. I'm getting dinner with Sebastian later which means that I'll probably eat enough to sustain a days-long stomach ache. He sits on my couch while I take another hour to get ready. I make us 15 minutes late to our reservation. We sit down and debate whether we want two or three pasta dishes, nursing a drink that was more akin to gulping down nailpolish remover. By the water after dinner, we reminisce on how the time has passed. I remember us at 11. I was homesick and crying on the bleachers. He came up to me and sang me a lullaby.
June 10, 2025
It’s raining again. I didn't mind it much yesterday when the sun was still bright but this morning has been feeling like I never quite woke up.
The clouds cleared up by the late afternoon and the birds are chirping again. They've been up at all hours lately. I hear them most nights when my insomnia is keeping me up. We had love birds in the house when I was growing up. Mimi and Nunu. When Mimi died I insisted she be buried in our lawn because even birds deserve to die with dignity. Nunu died from heartache not long after.
I've been trying to find Cowboy Junkies' Sharon on CD. I could listen to their version of "Dead Flowers" for days on end.
June 9, 2025
I need electrolytes. And to remember to take my vitamin D. I forgot about my prescription by the second week. What is it about being at the doctor's that feels so infantilizing?
Emailed the landlord back about my bathtub. I was handwashing some clothes and my panties slipped into the drain. Embarrassing. Hi Nadia, I can come by at 9am if that works for you . The bathtub is clogged? Thanks. I can’t believe I have to be here while he snakes out my underwear.
I ask Luca if we’re still on for tonight. Yes! Wanna meet at like 7? I feel guilty asking her to meet closer to mine again. She says she’s craving a cannoli but wanted to go to this Japenese spot she had told me about. Probably easier to get a seat at kenka earlier but my body wants that cannoli now. I find her very sweet. Which means that I’d go along with practically anything she suggested. And dessert before dinner didn’t seem like a bad plan.
We head to the restaurant. Crowded. And it’s Monday. I’m wearing the top Lily made me when we first met and the hostess comments on my nipples. I want to touch them! I’m feeling more shy than usual today but I'll shake it off eventually. She's easy enough to talk to.
June 8, 2025
I know I'm a good person because animals like me.
Red wine makes me feel ugly. There are some people I can't picture as children.
June 3, 2025
Woke up at about 6. My fridge has been letting out the loudest and most incessant hum. I should call someone to check on it. My fruit has been going bad. And the meat never defrosted.
June 2, 2025
The world always feels meaner after a long nap. Especially in the heat of the afternoon. I woke up about an hour ago and the nausea is more stubborn than usual.
Texted Christian that I needed someone to force me to do my chores. He shows up a little before 8 with a photo book he got on his lunch break. We put on Streetwise. I get upset with him for sitting too close to me and tell him about a potential date later in the week. He says I should go. I give him some blankets and tell him he can crash on the couch again.
June 1, 2025
Stayed in today.
I watched an interview of Tom Waits by Robert Lloyd from Anti- Records at the Ambassador Hotel in 2002. It was for Alice and Blood Money. They went back and forth about the emus Tom Waits was raising for the “God’s Away on Business” video (three of the emus would later be eaten by coyotes before the shoot). He talked about New York being a home for artists because it constantly bombards you with surreal visual information. I should be more observant.
Called Marina and said I’d maybe stop by for a drink later.
May 31, 2025
Marina and I stand in her bedroom and I ask if she ever feels like she's masquerading as a woman. Oh all the time until I look in the mirror. I tell her I see a little girl when I look in the mirror too. We ran late to the bar before meeting up with Abby. My knee stings from when I scraped it falling on the way out. I'm impatient with the cab driver, but I had this sharp pain in my side and forgot myself for a second. Anyway he seems like a nice man.
My family and I were going to watch the Graduate before realizing we couldn’t work the hotel room TV. I think I saw it for the first time in high school. Then again for a film class in college. I catch myself humming to Simon & Garfunkel and realize I haven't been in high school for 7 years. And college for 4. It feels strange calling myself a lawyer now. For the first time I resonate with Dustin Hoffman. Mostly the part when he puts on the scuba suit and sinks six feet deep into the pool. I keep forgetting to email my advisor to start registering for my PhD courses.
May 30, 2025
Saw Christian for the first time in five years. Suddenly I was 19 again. You introduced me to Ultimate Spinach. I hate to admit that to any boy.
"Country Leaver" comes on. They sound a lot like the Brian Jonestown Massacre in this album. They sold out but they were happier I guess. I tell him about the Brian Jonestown Massacre concert and say he should come. I’m not sure that I mean it. It's on the night before my 25th birthday.
We picked a bar then sat and caught up. If we were to call this a date—I interrupt him: We wouldn't.